Published November 8, 2011

You are interrogated by your alien captors

The aliens slap you right away
The aliens slap you and your big mouth

The aliens leave you alone in a small room, the morons. Don’t they know you’re quite comfortable like that? In fact, all you need is a little rock ‘n’ roll and a laptop and you’ll even be able to continue to participate in National Novel Writing Month. At the very least, all you need is a pen and some paper and to not be tied to a chair.

Hours later, you wake to find the aliens surrounding you, setting up devices that look like Earth cameras and Earth microphones. You become just a touch nostalgic at this and your eyes water, but you don’t start out and out crying until suddenly the leader slaps you.

The leader alien screams something at you. A more menacing alien, who you suppose is a bodyguard and translator, says, “What are you doing in spaceship?” with a Russian accent. “You steal secrets on magic computer device,” he says, pointing at your iPod.

“No, no, no,” you say, hoping that will suffice.

The leader alien slaps you again and barks some orders.

“He says you have defense codes. You were apprehended in the vicinity of our mothership.”

“No,” you say again, a little impatiently. “That’s just music, and to be honest with you it’s mostly just Skinny Puppy and Leonard Cohen.” At this, the leader becomes furious. He howls and his skin secretes a thick pus.

“He knows you have codes on there. We will hold you until you release the codes.”

You decide to: