Published March 9, 2011

You announce your retirement from comedy

You're golfing with David
You move from comedy to the unfunny world of golf

You toss in your sleep all night long, tormented by the thought that you may have gone too far by making a David Schellenberger flirt video and spreading it across the Internet. Like most viral videos, yours is obnoxious. Worse yet, it’s not even viral—it’s merely bacterial. However, there are a few good stabs at a pathetic video single set to some of Kraftwerk’s finest public domain recordings.

You call David and make sure there are no hard feelings. You end up engaged (editor’s note: foreshadowing) in a long conversation about his Antique Geek series and his much more somber love life. It seems like you’ve hurt his feelings, and after deftly making fun of him for that, too, you decide to apologize.

“David, you miserable cuss,” you begin, “no, wait! Wait! Wait! That came out all wrong. What I mean to say is I understand that your most tender feelings shouldn’t be exploited for some easy comedy.”

When you first became acquainted with David several years ago, he was just a friendly little man who made movies about magic rocks. In time, you grew to be good friends. David alone grew fat, malcontent, and desperately lonely. You reflect on the happier times, and decide that you have definitely jeopardized a valuable friendship with a friend who has proved himself utterly worthless at auction.

“I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m retiring from comedy. Immediately and forever,” you say, placing your palm on David’s greasy shoulder and gazing into his beady eyes sternly like a father to a son.

“Wow, that’s too bad,” he says quizzically as if not knowing how to spell “too” in this context.

“Yes, it’s time I grow up and settle down. I’m leaving my unused jokes to Frank Yantek, wherever he may be.”

“Well, if you’re just going to give them away,” David says, stumbling again over the homophone, “could… could I have them?” There is a long dramatic pause while you try to determine if he is serious. He continues, “It’s just that I remember when Biel used to get a lot of girls with your jokes.”

You shake your head. “David, you don’t need my jokes. You are my jokes.”

You decide to: